That relationship with my mother

She was not at all loyal or supportive of me. It was also “obvious” to her that I could not be close to anyone in this world, at all; and this was tied in, I guess, with her constant disparagement of me.

These days I see this manifestation as a survival mechanism that she deployed for coping with her ontological issues surrounding her being a lesbian and the complications and untidiness involved with her sense of personal identity.

It is also a matter which seems to lead around somewhat in circles. The heterosexual paradigm is so comforting because it leads to procreation and the continuance of the species, and seemingly to everything which is happy and joyful. But this other paradigm does not have quite the same chemistry or reproducibility to it.

In my own case, then, I have needed to take long cool looks at things ontological. My mother, I am sure felt that she was not fully rounded or complete. I rather doubt, too, that any of us find that sense of ourselves is all that easy to attain.

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